Die-alogue 2: Die-alogue Harder

It’s time for more wacky adventures from Friend 1 and Friend 2! Again, not particularly original and without context. I don’t even think anyone else finds these amusing, but oh well. I guess I just like trying to write snarky dialogue. 

Friend 1

So, I read an article about public litigation. It gave me an idea.

Friend 2

You shouldn’t get ideas.

Friend 1

Its my ideas that will be our ticket out of this hellhole, and straight into McDuck Manor. So you should pay attention.

Friend 2

Straight into what?

Friend 1

You never watched Duck Tales?

Friend 2

No. Scrooge McDuck frightened me. I used to have nightmares where his head would rotate, and would start reading me a list of my sins.

Friend 1

This possibly the first time I have ever been lost for words. So I’ll just pretend you never said that, and move back to my idea.

Friend 2

As long as this isn’t like the time you tried to build your own microwave. You nearly wiped out the neighborhood.

Friend 1

That was only a prototype, of course there would be a few kinks to work out.

Friend 2

I kept telling you that they don’t run on petrol.

Friend 1

Would you listen to me? The article said that people can sue for compensation if they get hurt in a public place.

Friend 2

.. and?

Friend 1

I was thinking, what if you did it on purpose? I mean, it’d be simple. Trip over drain, scream for a bit, compensation, solid gold toilet.

Friend 2

It is an interesting idea, but you would mind if I pointed out a few things?

Friend 1

Yes.

Friend 2

You’ll spend a lot of money and a huge amount of time in court. It isn’t like going to some sort of ‘Idiot ATM’.

Friend 1

What if I asked for money in hand, and threatened to sue if they didn’t give it over?

Friend 2

That’s extortion. It’s when .. oh, never mind. You’ll find out at your trial.

Friend 1

Insanity defense. I’ll just stick pencils up my nose, call everyone ‘Suzie’, and pretend that I’ve lost my mind.

Friend 2

Pretend?

Friend 1

Shut up. I’m being ambitious. It’s my new thing.

Friend 2

That can’t be a thing.

Friend 1

Who are you, the thing police? I’ll make crotch kicking my next thing if you keep being so negative.

Friend 2

In the spirit of cooperation, I could hit you in the head with this pipe that I found, would that help?

Friend 1

That’s not really an accident. Plus it’d probably, you know, kill me.

Friend 2

Yeah, I guess you’re right. But whats the point of having a pipe if you can’t use it?

Friend 1

Would you shut up about that pipe!

Friend 2

But look at it! It’s so .. big.

Friend 1

Wait, weren’t the council replacing all the pipes around here? I remember walking past the construction site and thinking that I could use a cement mixer. And I’m sick of them waking me up in the morning.

Friend 2

Yeah, a few blocks from here. And you mean at three?

Friend 1

It’s morning somewhere. That’ll be my first target. The council must have some pretty deep pockets – I mean, how else could they afford all those bins?

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Die-alogue

Ok, sometimes I think of dialogue things like this, and I write them out. Sorry for the lack of context, proper names, and the absence of effort in writing it like a screenplay should be presented. It also probably isn’t very good. In my defense, I’m lazy, and every name I come up with just seems stupid. It’s probably something that once again could be part of a larger idea. I suppose it could be a part of some wacky sitcom about Friends, just like that show Frasier.

Friend #1

You do realize you’re watching a show for three year olds, don’t you?

Friend #2

I want to see if the wizard gets his wand back.

Friend #1

I see. Anyway, can you give me a ride?

Friend #2

To where?

Friend #1

Another job interview.

Friend #2

Another one? Why don’t you just accept that the first step towards death is trying to do anything. Just do nothing. It’s much safer. I mean, just stepping out of your door is taking your life in your hands these days. Remember Mike? He landed that job in IT, and then a week later – bang, dead.

Friend #1

He was killed in a freak piano accident.

Friend #2

Exactly.

Friend #1

So, you’re saying that if he’d never taken that job ..

Friend #2

Or left his house.

Friend #1

Or left his house, he wouldn’t have died.

Friend #2

Exactly. Well, maybe. He could have slipped in the shower or had a train crash into his house or something. I’ve forgotten what point I was trying to make. What’s this job?

Friend #1

Some marketing thing. The guys name is Chad. I hate him already.

Friend #2

Why go then?

Friend #1

I don’t know. I’ve made the appointment. I hate cancelling things – I get nervous and either say I’ll be there earlier or that I’ll order four more.

Friend #2

Well, let’s go then. Maybe put pants on first, though.

(LATER, IN CAR)

Friend #1

Why are there bowls everywhere in here? It’s disgusting.

Friend #2

I eat cereal in here. I just throw them back there. It’s what a backseat is made for, throwing random shit on it. And who has passengers nowadays, what with social media and all.

Friend #1

There’s a backseat?

Friend #2

Somewhere back there. I saw it yesterday.

Friend #1

I hear something moving.

Friend #2

So my cars messy, so what.

Friend #1

There’s a plant growing out of your glovebox.

Friend #2

Look, Sir Fancy, next time why you don’t take your own nice, clean car. I bet it’s solid gold, with like .. diamonds for windows, and stuff.

Friend #1

I wouldn’t be able to see.

Friend #2

Oh that wouldn’t stop Sir Fancy, would it. You’d just activate ‘Fancy Vision’.

Friend #1

Are you done? We’re here. I won’t be long.

Friend #2

No rush.

I actually have more, but typing it out is giving me a large case of ‘cbf’. Maybe some other time.